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6/2/2000 Boomers Beware: "The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You
are always being asked to do things and yet are not decrepit enough to turn them
down." --T.S. Eliot, in Time magazine, at 62. 6/1/2000 Look, Angel, that's all fine and good, but can you use an Underwood?: "I can find plenty of women to sleep with, but the kind of woman that is really hard for me to find is a typist who can read my writing." --Thomas Wolfe 5/28-30/2000 Vegetable rites: Asked, during a word game, to use the word horticulture in a sentence, Dorothy Parker quipped, "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think." 5/21-27/2000 Cold cut: While traveling through Gaul, Julius Caesar asked his centurion, "What is that strange white stuff falling from the sky?" The centurion replied, "Hail, Caesar!" 5/20/2000 Both sides now: Q: What do you get when you cross a Wise Guy and a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. 5/19/2000 Discerning a whale of an ego:: "I can readily see in Emerson . . . the insinuation that had he lived in those days when the world was made, he might have offered some valuable suggestions." -- Herman Melville 5/17-18/2000 There'll always be an England, only hotter?: "The action is laid in Hell --only it seems people and places have English names there." --Dante Gabriel Rosetti's assessment of Emily Bronte's Wuthering Heights 5/16/2000 Precursing the Social Security System: "I have nothing. I owe much. I leave the rest to the poor." -- François Rabelais (c1533), author of Garantua; Pantagurel, his last will. 5/13-15/2000 An Ontological Question: "If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him. is he still wrong?". -anon. 5/7-12/2000 Don't blame me, it's the asphalt: "In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass, and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity." --Ambroise Bierce 5/1-6/2000 Reasonable Questions 1: "Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?" -- James Thurber 4/30/2000 Liberal Definitions 1: "You are not drunk as long as you don't have to grab the floor to hang-on." -- Dean Martin 4/29/2000 Free Speech Tradeoff: One day in the 1750s Voltaire was visiting the quintessential enlightened despot of the era, Frederick the Great. They were riding around the castle and Voltaire noticed people putting up billboards, critical of Frederick, on the castle walls. Voltaire asked Frederick how he could allow this. Frederick replied, "My people and I have an agreement, they can say anything they want and I can do anything I want." 4/28/2000 Better than Dinner at Eight: "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance." -- Steven Wright 4/12-27/2000 Referee's report: "This paper contains much that is new and much that is true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is new is not true." Anonymous, reported by H. Eves Return to Mathematical Circles, Boston: Prindle, Weber, and Schmidt, 1988. 4/11/2000 The Punultimate Fall from Grace, and After: Quasimodo was dead and Notre Dame needed a new bell ringer. Handbills were posted for auditions on a certain afternoon and the first candidate appeared before the prelate in charge. The first candidate proceeded with the prelate to the bell tower where he proceeded, to the prelate's surprise, to start running at the bells, ringing them with his head. He created a melodious sound that further surprised the prelate and caused the townspeople to gather in the square below, where they applauded and cheered. Then, unfortunately, the candidate missed his footing, and his bell, and went toppling out a window to the courtyard below. The prelate ran down the stairs, but by the time he arrived the man had expired. There was nothing to do but administer the last rites. When this was done, one of the townsmen asked, "Who was this man?" The prelate replied, "I don't know, but his face sure rang a bell." Still in need of a bell ringer, this same prelate of Notre Dame scheduled more auditions the next afternoon. As fate would have it, the brother of the unfortunate applicant from the previous day was first in line for the new auditions. He explained that although not as accomplished as his brother, he was indeed a fine bell ringer and thought that he deserved a chance. With some trepidation the prelate agreed and took the man to the bell tower. Indeed, he was even better than his brother and again the cheering throngs gathered in the courtyard. Perhaps distracted by the tumult, he misjudged and missed a run at a bell. He dived through a window, and fell to the courtyard. After having blessed the unfortunate soul the prelate was again importuned by the townspeople as to the name of the deceased. He sighed and said, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother." 4/10/2000 Unpleasant Conundrum: Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease." Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress." (Also attributed in an earlier exchange between John Wilkes and Lord Sandwich.) 4/9/2000 Cartesian dejeuner: Three philosophers were met for lunch. The waiter asked one, "Salad sir?" The philosopher replied, "I think not," and disappeared.
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The newest humor related definition comes from Joseph Epstein writing in the Casual column of the June 5 print edition of The Weekly Standard. Epstein defines a punaphor as a special case of the inappropriate metaphor, "they [punaphors] are metaphors that forget that the function of the metaphor is to show the similarity between two different things and end up showing the similarity of similar things, but always askew, invariably with unintended comic effect." Epstein's examples are broad in range including similes such as "The new socks . . . fit like a glove." and zingers such as "differing tolerances among people for the cold is a really matter of degree." This is clearly a timely article and definition. We are sure that in this election year we'll hear and see many punaphors planted in the media about "Bush being rooted in the mainstream" and, in the same vein, about "Gore waging a bloody campaign, but remaining sanguine through it all." Also, see our new CATALOG it is growing.. And , adults, visit Detritus and Deleteria. |
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